From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 29, 2004 11:57:04 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Go slow on health, McGuinty says; complains of 'mixed signals' from Ottawa
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Dear Paul,

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I put in a gruelling fourteen hour day in what became a mad dash to completely finish off the apartment before the sanders came in today. I was following Mike and Devam, hot on their heels, most of the day as they cut and placed the casings around the windows and doors. Most of the day things were fine, until it became apparent that time was getting the better of us. I had to call Sarah Fork and Karen Tam and cancel our dinner appointment, and then started thinking bitter thoughts about the bourgeousie and how we've all become slaves and prostitutes to the almighty dollar. But it came to an end, and I helped the owner clean up the apartment and for the first time we had a good look at what the finished product looks like: award-winning! The I biked to Janine's, had a shower and let Mr. Mittens out (he slept on my chest the other day, what a cutie!), then biked to SSM and had pizza with Mohanad and Sarah R., then Claudine called me from Breouf of St. Denis and I biked back to Janine's, let in Mr. Mittens, and met up with Claudine and Caro, had a beer and a cigarette and spent the night at Claudine's. We both have the day off today so after running some errands we are going to go hang out. I have to clean Janine's place; I think she is coming back sometime today or tomorrow. Better check on that. Anyway, gotta go, my toast is getting cold.

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 28, 2004 1:16:36 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  National security policy intended to beef up defences and calm frayed nerves
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

“No f---ing way that there is a military solution in Iraq”

Sorry I didn’t write last night. Lately I’ve been waking up late. Mohanad is fed up, finishing up his last few tasks, packing up his tools and getting the hell out of dodge. Oh, and the above quote is from some retired US army colonel. Ha!

I’ve been feeling lately that I consistently forget what I was thinking about during the day by the evening. Like I quite easily become two or three different people in the run of a day, and they don’t communicate well.

A wrench thrown in the moving plans; Aaron is under twenty five years of age and therefore enterprise car and truck rentals won’t insure him at all on the van. I debated hitchhiking back to NB and drive then drive the van both ways, and find another way back to QC, but there are other options on the table. There is something alluring about hitchhiking, especially if the weather is nice, but I would worry about bad weather and lack of rides. Or catching rides with lunatics.

Got baked and watched a funny movie—Company Man—with Mohanad Friday evening. It has its moments, and the premise—a daft, bumbling grammar teacher fabricates a secret life as a CIA agent, then through a series of Clouseau-like escapades ends up initiating the Bay of Pigs debacle. It gets pretty bogged down with the far-fetched plot.

Started wondering about the point of making art at all. I mean, really, what for? What’s the point? I should go into the trades and become a plumber. Or an electrician.  Or both, and combine them so I can work around electricity and water all the time.

Went for a walk this evening; a rarity, since as of late I am always on the bike (going to and from places, and not stopping to smell the roses, so to speak. Or in my case, stopping to observe intently the textures and cracks of the sidewalks and the city bustling about around me.

Don’t think I’m going to make it up to SSM to send this email to you tonight; I’ve ben feeling drained and overwhelmed lately. It is really nice to sit here alone and think and write and read and listen to good music and try to re-orient myself to what exactly I think I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Have you ever had Liberty yogurt, the good stuff, the 8%? (not to be confused with Liberal yogurt). I have been gradually going through all the flavours to ascertain my favourite—if indeed such a thing exists with me. It started with the mokka, and continued through plum and walnut, lemon and now mango and orange. They are all delicious.

Still no word from EI. I don’t quite understand why it takes four weeks to process a change of address; do they send the forms via carrier pigeon? Send a young rider out on horseback (on a donkey, more likely)? It’s not like we are talking about a ton of cash here, either; I don’t understand how people who had previously made slightly more than minimum wage are supposed to live off 60%. Say, how do you feel about a subsidized, guaranteed income for everyone? Oh right: Canadian Steamship Lines. Sorry, guess that answers my question, you crook.

Anyway, I’m going to try to get to bed early, read for a bit and then get some rest.

Had a good day at work today; sanded and primed the bathroom, and then followed Mike and Devan around priming and painting the door and window casings. Went to SSM after work and had supper with Melissa, then we took the metro to Mont Royal for dessert. We talked a lot about art and politics.

So my dad and Aaron are going to bring my stuff and the cats in the van to Montréal; I’ll head back with them on Sunday. I am thinking of activities for us to do for the few days they are here.

Am too tired right now to even double check this letter, and Sarah Fork is talking a blue riot.

-chris

From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 26, 2004 1:52:51 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Joe Clark says Martin a less dangerous choice for country than Harper
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Started another Brown Suitcase project today. This one will involve a portable frottage-collage studio to carry around the city. OK, it's just in the idea stage at the moment but once I'm a bit more settled I'll get right on it. I like the idea of the city becoming the studio; I'll simply carry some supplies around with me and make art here and there.

Mohanad called and woke me up this morning; it was nice to sleep in! It was also nice being an escort to two very beautiful young ladies last night; everytime a lusty lad got a little too close or eager with either of the two Sarah's I was sent in to run interference. It was an early night, as today it was back to work (and Sarah R. was running a 10K race). We are in the final stages now, we can feel it coming to an end. Having Adam come in to do the tiles has really helped; otherwise the project would be completely bogged down by now. The kitchen is starting to look like an IKEA showroom. Hey, did you know that the founder of IKEA is wealthier than Bill Gates? By almost $10 Billion. Craziness. We have to be out of the apartment by Wednesday, as the flooring guys are back on Thursday for the final coat, and the owners are moving in on Friday. A few days off will be nice at the end of the week, to further prepare for the move.

Had supper at Claudine's and we talked about art and socialist politics. I've been thinking a lot now about Diego Rivera's destroyed Man at the Crossroads mural, and the subsequant Man, Controller of the Universe mural he made in  Mexico City. I'd like to see it for real some day. I had painted a portion of it into the Art on the Edge mural I made in Saint John a few years ago, but the port recently took down the whole thing. I don't think it was for the same political reasons; the wood I had painted it on was probably rotting away. True ephemeral art! Sort of like unread email to the "devil we already know", as Joe Clark so lovingly refers to you.

I'd like to end today's letter with a few lines from a hilarious book from Melissa's collection called Questions Children Ask:

Q: Is a swordfish real?

A: Yes. The swordfish is a very large fish with a sharp upper jaw that can be used like a sword. It uses this sharp swordlike jaw to kill other fish for foo. Sometimes a swordfish will even stab through a small boat.

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 24, 2004 10:53:33 PM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Peaceful dissent in Canada sets example for rest of world, says Dalai Lama
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Dear Paul,

What a great day! The good vibes started Friday with a productive day at work. Ended early, biked home, washed some laundery, had a bite to eat and then biked to the Belgo to see a music performance at Galerie B-312 and meet Claudine, Caro, Mary-Lou and Jerome. Claudine picked up an out of print CD she has been looking for for a year, and then we biked up Parc, picked up some pickles and crisps and rented a movie and went back to Janine's. We ate homemade smoked meat sandwiches and drank beer and started watching Cradle will rock, until we both fell asleep halfway through.

Woke up early this morning to finish my french homework; it was actually a lot easier than I was expecting. Class was fun; I'm still lagging behind, but it is great fun—even when it is difficult—and I think I'll improve quickly with  practice. Just need to make the time to practice.

Met up with Elizabeth after marching in an anti-deportation protest on Ste-Catherine, and we walked up St. Laurent to the Canadian Tire on Bellechase to case the joint for art intervention purposes. While there we ran into Man With Van, whom I met in Halifax over a year ago. We talked for quite a while; he landed a TV construction talk show that sounded like a lot olf fun. He's hilarious.

After Canadian Tire we had a coffee at Café Esperanza and ran into Robbie C; you should check out his website, it is rbthree.com. His drawings are very inspirational for me. In fact, I bought my first sketchbook today and started my new frottage project. When I came back home for supper I watched the remainder of Cradle will rock; that movie rocks! I laughed, I cried, I want to make art again.

But first, I'm going out with Sarah R. and her best friend Sarah M. (who showed up last night for a surprise visit for the weekend). Sarah R. and Sarah Fork (gosh, a lot of Sarahs!) cut my hair tonight; it doesn't look half bad. Not so shaggy.

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 23, 2004 12:11:15 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Martin's office tried to influence research contracts, says Guite
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Boy, is spring ever in the air! You can tell just by watching the sidewalks, and all the pretty girls walking by (I think Montréal has more per capita than anywhere else on Earth). I've got to pay more attention to the road, however; I cycled through a stop sign on the way to work and was almost broadsided. Interestingly enough, I think cyclists in Montréal have a lot in common with the motorists; both seem to think that they own the road. The cyclists ring their bells while the motorists toot their horns; the car that almost hit me precipitated a half block of horn-tooting. It is contagious; once one honks, they all honk.

The status of the apartment at work is bordering on the ridiculous; there are tools everywhere, Adam the tiler has joined us, as well as Bob the plumber—both have their own sets of tools as well—and today the fridge, stove, washer and dryer arrived, as well as furnishings, the kitchen sink, cabinets and boxes of tiles. Even though everything is coming together it looks and feels more like it is all falling apart. I don't know where Mohanad gets his reserves of patience and stamina from, but enquiring minds want to know; I could use some. I've been feeling tired and more worn out than usual this week. Bob drove his Saws All through the bathroom wall into the bedroom and now I'll have to try to match up the Linen finish; I have a feeling I may be doing the whole wall over again. It's become a job of one step forward, two steps back.

Picked up some groceries after work and cooked a hearty pasta sauce at Janine's, hung out with Mr. Mittens, talked with my mom on the phone about the upcoming move and Yaga and Kuan (they are both doing fine), then cycled to SSM to check email and help the girls select a paint colour for their kirtchen walls and Melissa choose a dress for her night out tonight and a title for her Exclaim story on Sixtoo. My "Passion of Sixtoo" and "Sixtoo-too and the hip hop train" were politely rejected.

If I was to start a punk-rock band tomorrow (sometimes I think I am peretually on the verge of forming a punk rock band), I would name it "Lloydly and the politely rejected". If you were to start a punk rock band what would you call it?

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 22, 2004 12:35:39 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Mounties got verbal OK to use sponsorship cash for horses, says top cop
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

For everyone there must be a magic height with which to build tables and sinks; the right height can certainly come in handy, for comfort and optimum usage. And there really is no use in closing curtains if no one is watching; after all, don't most folks spend time in front of the tube in the evenings? Then again, how would one know whether or not one was being watched unless one was watching others in the first place. Just a few random thoughts.

Biked to SSM this morning to pick up my phone, which I had left last night (a disadvantage, to be sure, of the portability of cell phones). Read the paper and had some coffee. Biked to work; a better day, overall. The plumber ascertained that it was not Mohanad's fault that the pipes don't drain fast enough; it is a problem with the original pipes. The plumber is coming back tomorrow to fix it all. I worked mostly on touch-ups throughout the day. Late in the afternoon Christian and I tackled the big wall in the living room again, and finally wrestled the beast to the ground. It still isn't perfect, but it will do.

Met Claudine at the Provigo on Mont Royal and we picked up a few groceries and paid with the fancy-shmancy self-serve cashier. Very space-age, like the Jetsons come to life. But is it Utopian? Would Fourier think self-serve grocery checkouts indicitive of humanity's great passionate march to utopic idealism? He writes, in the Role of the Passions:

"God has given children a liking for substances which will be the least costly in the associative state. When the entire globe shall be populated and cultivated, enjoying free-trade, exempt from all duties, the sweet viands mentioned above will be much less expensive than bread; the abundant edibles will be fruit, milk-foods, and sugar, but not bread, whose price will be greatly raised, because the labor incident to the growing of grain and the daily making of bread is wearisome and little attractive; these kinds of labor would have to be paid much higher than that in orchards or confectioneries"

Ahhh, so THIS must be what all the hooplah over Free Trade is all about! To satisfy everyone's sweet tooth!

Anyway, Claudine and I had a nice supper, relaxed, had a bath, re-arranged the furniture, and had coffee and cookies, and tried to figure out this whole move thing. It's become very complicated for me; there are now people emailing me asking for help moving; it will certainly become a big moving party on wheels if this continues. Hey, any chance of being able to use the Challenger Jet? I obviously cannot afford the $8, 000/hour it costs, but maybe you can write it off as some sort of anglo/franco community bridge-building sponsorship thingy? Think about it, but I need to know ASAP.

Gotta go and check on Mr. Mittens.

-chris

From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 20, 2004 11:14:58 PM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Time to reconsider mandatory retirement in many industries: Dodge
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

I’m feeling and looking old today. Joints ache. Hair is a mess and needs to be cut.  Lately I feel as if I have just been killing time, watching the minutes and hours pass by; what am I supposed to be doing by now, at my age? I can’t seem to figure it out. It’s as if a heavy boredom surrounds me, and I’m unwilling to do anything about it.

There was a great sliver of a moon on the horizon this evening, hovering in that surreal-colour evening city skyline. And I still find just cycling around this city absolutely magical. And the cat neighbourhood is fun; they are skulking about all over the place. I let the wrong cat inside tonight and almost didn’t notice

Made some calls about a van but it’s going to cost too much to rent from here; I can’t get unlimited mileage on anything, if I can find anyplace with a van to rent at the end of the month; everyone is starting to move this time of year. So I guess I have to find a way to SJ late next week; either that, or Aaron may drive my stuff here for me; or I'll not move anything until July or August.

So there were more traumas at work today, and Mohanad flipped out and ripped up the floor in the bathroom after multiple visits from angry fighting angry plumbers. The tub wasn’t draining properly and there were many conflicting points of view as to why. I fucked up the living room wall again—three strike and I’m out? No, we finally put it on better in the bedroom with Christian, the owner. Who would have thought a simple linen finish would be so difficult? The glaze was angry with us.

I’m back up at SSM, checking my email, and trying to keep up with their headspinning abilities to maintain multiple conversations simultaneously.  I must be addicted to the chaos here.

-chris

From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 20, 2004 2:00:16 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Paul Martin calls for new beginning in federal relationship with aboriginals
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Had a crappy day at work. I screwed up the faux finish again, even while using the tape. I didn't apply the glaze thick enough near the tape joints, and the result was terrible. I had to re-paint the wall. Mohanad wasn't having a great day either, he spent a lot of time re-adjusting the bathtub. We made progress later in the day, more plastering and some straightening up, so it wasn't a total waste. I've started smoking again at work, in between belts of Robitussin. Nothing quite like cough syrup and nicotine to help energize the body. Speaking of which, I'm feeling stiff all over from the impromptu soccer practice yesterday. But I don't think the toe is broken; just bruised and slightly swollen. Anyway, the owners came by in the evening and asked a multitude of questions about just about every little thing, and I painted another section for them to see, which they seemed happy with. I would have done more but the high humidity was keeping the paint damp and the tape wouldn't stick. The backs of the boxes have now been painted red. They want to move in a week Wednesday; I don't think it is possible.

Came up to SSM to check my email just after the wicked thunderstorm that zipped through. There was some great orange lightening that lit the sky as the thunder rolled. Mr. Mitten's didn't like it, and neither did one of the neighbourhood cats that came running inside with him and hid under Janine's bed. I don't think I'll be able to hook up the connection at Janine's, as I don't have access to her password.

Watched the Habs finish off the Bruins before making pancakes for the girls. We talked about what colour they are going to paint the kitchen (correction: I am going to paint, they just have to decide on a colour; I've got the easy part), and whether Sarah Fork should go on a two-week vacation to Bosnia, and then Sarah R. had a freakout after talking to Ryan and needed to be consoled. Gotta go, running out of battery power, and Bijou is giving me the evil eyes again.

-chris

From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 19, 2004 8:26:25 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Dalai Lama speaks casually to thousands from armchair on stage
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Had a busy weekend, and still don't have the internet hooked up for my computer at Janine's. Woke up late for my french class on Saturday morning; I was twenty minutes late (I was looking for the classroom in the wrong building), then my cell phone went off, then I spilled my coffee. Great first impressions. I'm also not as advanced as many of the other students, but hopefully I'll catch up. After class I met Claudine and we went to soem of the galleries at the Belgo and 470 Ste-Catherine. There were a lot of blah shows but a really good one at Dare-Dare; a complex video installation by an artist named Alexandra Ranner called Corridor. You should check it out if you get the chance, it is very spooky and disconcerting and uncanny; very well done. After the galleries we cycled around and stopped at an Indian restaurant on St. Laurent, had a nice supper and then continued on our velo derivé. Stopped again at Pi for a couple chess matches before heading back to Janine's; we watched a french-dubbed version of Mars Attacks before heading to bed.

Sunday morning we went for breakfast at Senzala's but it was disappointing; the waitress was rushed, the food was bland, the atmosphere felt congested. We cycled around and had coffee further east on Laurier before I headed to work. I tried a shortcut on the faux finish and screwed it up and had to paint over it, but I did finish a bunch of plaster and sanding and priming in the bedroom. Mohanad finished installing the bathroom fixtures, so that room is ready for plaster and tiling.

On the way home from work I ran into Sarah R. and Nick (Tim) and Jen, who were on there way to the fancy soccer field Sarah had come across a few weeks ago. Sarah had just bought a new soccer ball and wanted to kick it around, so I joined them. We played in our bare feet and I think I might have broken a toe on my left foot, but it was still lots of fun. That new astro-turf is amazing stuff; soft and springy like grass, the colour of grass, but no grass stains! I practiced my headers, and Sarah was practically recruited by the Outremont soccer team; she's a good player, and probably looked even better playing against me. Walked back to SSM with Sarah and had a bite to eat and checked some email, then zipped down to Duluth to meet Elizabeth to discuss collaborating on an art project based on Canadian Tire stores. We had a drink at Reservoir and then I headed up to Claudine's for the night.

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 16, 2004 10:36:37 PM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca, chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Kidnapped Canadian released in Iraq calls home to say he's sorry for the fuss
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Sorry I haven’t written lately. I moved into Janine’s last night and don’t have the Internet hooked up to my computer there yet. But wow! Heaven, I’m in heaven! Her place is amazing—the apartment itself, as well as the colours, the ceilings, the furnishings, the books, the CDs, Mr. Mittens the cat, the water pressure in the shower, the art on the walls, the art books and magazines, her comfy bed—house sitting is the bomb! I went to bed early, exhausted from work, attempting to read articles in Bordercrossings and Parquet while starting Breton’s Nadja (fell asleep after the first paragraph, then dreamed I had moved into a hotel in Chicago that overlooked the river, and in the water was a skyscraper that turned like a ferris wheel with the tides. I blame it on the Surrealists). Mr. Mittens slept on me all night long. The peace and quiet are just what the doctor ordered. I might even become more interested in art again. This morning I cycled to work, which was great; whole new way to experience Montréal. The bike lanes are open and everywhere and freshly painted. Spring is definitely here.

The last couple days have been good at work; less vulgarity, we hardly listened to music, Mohanad and I both felt like rats trapped in a cage and just worked solid to try to catch up. More sanding, more plaster, more paint. Just gritted our teeth and worked at the bone, and by the end of the day things felt better. Like we may actually finish the job, and maybe even on time.

Stopped at Claudine’s on my way home tonight, we hung out for a bit before she headed off to Caroline’s for supper. I headed home, let Mr. Mittens in, we both ate some tuna, then I headed to SSM to check my email. Have been getting some anxious Khyber-related mail. Apparently CHRC never received the YIP grant I emailed them at the end of January, and Andréa and the board are flipping out; that funding was to fund the special projects coordinator position. I still have a copy of application, and it was sent on time, they must have missed it or lost it. Hopefully it works out. Maybe you can look into it for me? Pull a few strings?

I was going to have some friends over tonight but it looks like it will just end up being Mohanad and I hanging out on a couch drinking beer and trying to relax and unwind. If Jen and Tim and Sarah Fork come over we may go out later on, maybe for some dancing, who knows. It won’t be a late night; I start my french class tomorrow morning.

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 15, 2004 12:30:29 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Canada to keep reduced military presence in Kabul into summer 2005
| | | Inbox
Dear Paul,

I should have guessed by the random and unexpected Bijou the cat attack on my foot this morning, that today would be a rough day. I don't know what got into her, but her nails were out and she was hissin' and a spittin' like a wild kitty. And work started out fine, I had two coats of paint on the walls in the studio before noon. And then one of the owners called and changed her mind on the colour, and then the rest of the day deteriorated. Our vulgarity is reaching new lows as Mohanad and I attempt to outdo one another. And I am smoking again, after more than a week smoke-free. The cough persists, but only when I laugh. As I put on more paint we noticed more problems with plaster, and by the end of the day there were more huge slabs of plaster on the walls and ceilings. I painted the round wall; it is a bright fire engine red. I wanted to kick things by the end of the day.

So then I picked up some groceries and bagels and had a shower and made some supper and ate with Melissa and we talked and then Sarah Fork came home from school (first time in a week) and the hospital (diagnosis: no mono) and Kill Bill 2 (sucked) and we talked and then Sarah R. came home and we all talked some more. There was an unusual, peaceful calm in the SSM tonight; my last night here before I start house sitting for Janine.

And isn't it slightly disturbing and upsetting to realize that one knows almost all the words to Chris DeBurgh's Lady in Red?

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 14, 2004 1:13:54 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Explosion levels building at B.C. technical college, five slightly injured
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. After getting back to SSM from work Claudine called and invited me over for the night—nice. It was a really fun night, too. I had been wondering lately if we were drifting further apart but maybe it was in my head; we seem to be communicating well, comfortably so. Maybe being around Super Couple of the Year—Jen and Tim—and everyone drooling over their beautiful perfection made me feel a bit inadequate somehow. Whatever.

So the owners of the apartment that we are working on are complete perfectionist freaks. We showed up for work on Monday to blue polka dots taped to the walls and ceilings to highlight areas that needed touching up. So we did that all day and then came into work today with more blue dots. Apparently they had come by Monday night and walked around the apartment with their eyes inches away from the surfaces of the walls they were illuminating with a lightbulb, looking for more irregularities. But today they seemed happier when they came by, as I was in the middle of an insane ceiling-painting spree, and the apartment is visually coming together.

Ran into Sarah R. at the metro and we went for a walk in the rain; she needed to vent because the night before the girls at SSM had another big blowout. We went for supper at Senzala's and talked more about relationships and family stuff. Walked back to SSM in the rain. The house was calmer—meaning Sarah Fork was calmer—when we got home. Hung out with Fork and R and talked and looked at pictures of Banff, while secretly wondering about the purpose of the universe. I mean, why is it so darn big?

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 12, 2004 1:50:13 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  B.C. solicitor general signs emergency order for bird flu carcasses
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

What a whirlwind of a weekend. Remember the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles? It felt a bit like that, as I spent so much time on airplanes, in airports, in taxis and also on 4-wheel ATVs. My first flight went via Ottawa to O’Hare airport in Chicago before we changed to a smaller jet for the final leg to Wichita. The fake passport JD sent me worked flawlessly and I wasn’t held up at customs at all. There weren’t even any inquiries as to why my luggage consisted solely of flying plastic cows and Jesus action figures.

The first night I met Agent Mandarin at the airport, and he took me to the Old Town hotel on First Street and Washington, in the heart of Old Town, with a funky little park out front. The hotel is in a building dating from 1906 but is all re-modeled in the inside, with a tall atrium in the centre with skylights, so the windows of the interior rooms get natural light. We spent the night in the bar at the hotel getting acquainted, drinking red wine and going over our plans for breaking into the nearby Museum of World Treasures.

The museum contains sunken treasure, swords, armor, cannons, guns, royal crown jewels, rare signatures and much much more! The U.S. Bill of Rights and Declaration of Independence! A partial T-Rex and Triceratops skeleton (positioned so excellently in front of fake foliage and lushly-painted backdrops—the drop ceilings far too low and in the way) and a Mayan urn with a Mayan mummy stuffed inside. A lot of American Civil War memorabilia as well.

Saturday afternoon I took a bus and then a cab to the outskirts of town to visit with FD at his ranch. He met me at the gate on his 4-wheel ATV and drove me back to his ranch—really, a mansion. My first time on an ATV and in a mansion, all in one weekend. They don’t handle as well as I expected (The ATV—the house was fine, despite being a bit labyrinth-like. Rooms opened into other rooms opened
into hallways to other rooms, etc). FD is head of a security firm that have contracts with a few of the museums and galleries in the state; he is also our man on the inside. After showing me his knife and gunstock collection—he turns and polishes them—and eating an amazing Easter turkey dinner with his family, we went to his study to go over plans for the job. With codes supplied by FD the alarms would be disabled and Mandarin and I would have all night to set up our displays.

Tool a cab back downtown, met Mandarin and then got really high in the park. The rest of the evening passed much like a dream; we sang songs, making up our own lyrics as we went about the job. “Ain’t no cat but a kitty, ain’t no kitty but Lilly”. And yes, it's a cow that flies. But that's not the only feature, just
read what the box says:

* Flaps its wings
* Flies around and around
* Suspended continuous flying action
* Calming and soothing movement

So we distributed the plastic cows and Jesus dolls throughout the museum; our own version of an Easter egg hunt. They’ll be picking those tidbits out of their collection for weeks, and probably won’t even find them all. We finished up before three in the morning. Spent some time watching the stars from a park bench and tried to visualize the planet moving in tandem with all those other specks of light, gargantuan balls of gas spinning through the universe, and failing utterly. It’s too big. I was up early to catch the plane back. I had a connection at Pearson for an hour and took a quick peak at the new terminal; quite snazzy. I liked the Sol Lewitt wall drawing above the escalators the best; it is dizzyingly vibrant. Art attacks—enough to cause dizziness and mild fainting spells. The whole building reeks of dollar signs.

Took a long nap when I got back to the city and spent the evening washing dishes and relaxing and trying to get into the headspace for regular work tomorrow. Made some supper for Sarah R. Sarah Fork’s rash has subsided. They had gone to Melissa’s parent’s house for the weekend with Tim and Jen, the couple that everyone wants to be or be with. I think they could very well outdo Romeo and Juliet; their preferred method of dying is to be “simultaneously mauled by bears”—how romantic!   Everyone has gone to bed early and I feel tired and awake and jet lagged and bored. I often find that coming down after moments of excitement and intensity can be a bit depressing. Were there always these distances and tensions between people? Had I not noticed? Or has something changed?

-chris
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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 9, 2004 11:35:34 PM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Family of Canadian abducted in Iraq hopes his birthday Friday brings freedom
| | | Inbox

PS, Mohanad wants to add something:

Dear PM,

I preferred JC. He just seemed like a likeable guy.

Sincerely,

BBOB (Bearded Bitch of Babylon)

From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 9, 2004 11:16:47 PM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Two members of family that has been linked to al-Qaida return to Canada
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Barely made it to work on time this morning. Had a late night in Ste-Anne’s. I failed phase one of the Brown Suitcase project—I hope JD isn’t too disappointed. I actually don’t think he expected us to pull it off. The whole plan seemed a bit dubious: breaking into a vacant apartment by scaling the wall to the upper floor balcony) and then tunneling through to the Dollar Store next door in order to clean out the entire supply of plastic flying cows and Jesus action figures. We actually made it through the wall and had most of the cows unloaded but then S tripped the alarm and we had to scramble to get out. Luckily we weren’t spotted. Caught the first bus out of Ste-Anne’s; because it is Good Friday the train wasn’t running early enough.

Sanded and made plaster adjustments all day at work. The owners are getting really antsy about painting; they want to start tomorrow. We aren’t working tomorrow. I’m actually hopping a plane tonight to Wichita to meet Agent Mandarin and attempt phase 2 of the Brown Suitcase project. I might not be able to write on the weekend but as soon as I can I’ll let you know how everything goes.

-chris

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From : chris lloyd
Sent : April 8, 2004 6:57:47 PM
To : pm@pm.gc.ca
CC : chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject : Martin says Canada can't join international force to stabilize Iraq

| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

I'm back out in Ste-Anne's, after running a few more errands today and many yesterday. Changed my address with a lot of places; just student loans remains. This afternoon I met with Janine to go over some of the details of housesitting her apartment and watching Mr. Mittens. Last night I met with Liz and went over items in her apartment and discussed lease details. I'm really excited about moving in, and having a place of my own, and hosting visitors, instead of surfing couches myself.

I stayed at SSM last night as it was late when I got back from Liz's. Made supper with Melissa, she made the chicken and I made scalloped potatoes. Had spent the afternoon with Sarah Fork and her blooming rash; she had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics she was taking for her swollen lymph glands. It was fun seeing people's reactions to her on the metro back from the Jewish Hospital. She carried herself well; I probably would have been freaking out with a paper bag on my head.

I didn't open a bank account at Dejardins today. It was not due to my lack of ID but my bad credit rating. I guess folks with bad credit just aren't supposed to have bank accounts. Maybe I could bribe them into opening an account for me with cold hard cash; got an extra million or so kicking around? You can take it from the unity fund and I'll wear a maple leaf on my sleeve whenever I visit the bank or use an ATM.

JD has sent me my final instructions for the implementation of the Brown Suitcase project this weekend. I'll let you know how it goes.

-chris

From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 7, 2004 10:24:56 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Officials have daunting task keeping bird flu from spreading during mass cull
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

I apologize again for not writing yesterday. You must be getting quite fed up with my irregularity. Anyway, I went to Claudine's for breakfast and then hit Fabricville for material, then headed to Ste-Anne-de-Bellevue to meet Colin and complete the ten frottage paintings. Bought some paint at the dollar store and visited a bizarre church bazaar with Colin's friend Mathieu. The paintings didn't take long to complete and Mohanad came and picked me up. He didn't feel like going to the woodshop so we bought some beer and went to an afternoon cinema matinee instead. We ran into Babek while getting beer at the grocery store and he came with us. We saw the most horrendous movie ever made, Devil Boy or Hell Child or whatever the hell it is called. Holes in the plot miles wide. It made me LOL throughout, except when it was actuallt trying to be humourous.

I headed back out to Ste-Anne's but Colin was still not back from washing laundry at his friends house. Apparantly there was a problem with the washer and Colin had to re-wire it. I hope he didn't electrocute himself. I walked Chico and Buddy and picked up a few groceries, had some supper, fed the cats, read for a bit and went to bed. I woke up when I heard Colin come in later so I know he's OK.

Left early this morning to get back to the SSM and take Sarah Fork to the hospital; her glands are getting worse and she is now developing a rash. Her sister thinks it might be mono. By the time I arrived at the house I had missed her and Mohanad by five minutes; he had come to get her in his car. I'm going to meet them at the hospital once they determine where exactly they are going.

Have more apartment-related phone calls to make today, and still have to get those paintings on the bus. I fear I may be cutting this deadline far too close for comfort.

-chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 4, 2004 11:25:42 PM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Committee chair Williams continues war of words with Martin over sponsorship
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

Sorry for not writing yesterday. I'm pretty hungover today, but had to be at work early this morning anyway.  Despite my thirty-one years, I still haven't learned not to mix different types of alcohol. In case you were wondering, never mix red bull with Canadian Club.

Last night, I ended up at this random gino bar with a few of my friends. It was a friend of a friend type thing and we went to this club that was completely not our style. My only option was to get hammered, unbutton my shirt on the dance floor, and dance my ass off. I was supposed to be Sarah R's "escort" and make sure that she didn't drink too much and got home safely, but she ended up taking care of me instead and fending off my drunken advances.  She lost her coat check ticket at the bar and we had to wait until three am when the bar closed to get her coat back. We waited out the time at this little cafe next door to the bar, but I don't remember much about it. I passed out on the table.

Today, Mohanad and I finished sanding and did as much plastering as we could, while Millary and Richard started the priming.  Mohanad and I were both subdued and exhausted at work, but we have the next few days off to recuperate. At work on Friday, Mohanad rewarded my hard work by giving me his hammer (he bought himself a fancy new fluorescent orange one). I promptly used it to slit my wrist open while trying to pry off a piece of corner bead.  Friday night, I had a nice dinner with Claudine; she made salmon. We were going to rent a movie but we were both exhausted and fell asleep by 10:30.

I came home tonight to the SSM and made food for the girls and vegged out in front of the TV.  The Juno Awards showed Bob Ezrin being inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. Given the stellar albums that he's produced over the past few decades, you'd think they would have inducted him sooner - what were they waiting for? Bob gave a good speech about the importance of music education in schools. I was a bad student in music class; I have no ear for music, but I wish I'd taken more lessons as a kid. Do you play any instruments? What have you been listening to these days? Have you heard the new 50 ("fitty") Cent? You should hear Mohanad and I sing at work.

Did I tell you that I'm going to the employment centre tomorrow morning to see if I can take a French course through EI? I heard that it's free if you're collecting benefits. If I can't take a class through EI, I'll enroll at either Concordia or McGill.

- Chris

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From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 2, 2004 9:18:49 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Martin hints at election delay to hear more sponsorship testimony
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

We are in a crunch at work—the floors are going to be re-finished starting Monday, a week earlier than initially scheduled. So we are cruising like madmen to get all the walls built, joints taped, electrical and plumbing completed, vents installed, and holes patched before this weekend—when the owners want to start priming. We worked until 8. Colin didn't come downtown, so I didn't go to Ste-Anne's. Went to SSM. Had a shower. Bought some bagels. We were all going to watch a movie, even going so far as to rent one, but then Sarah Anne had a fit, a breakdown of sorts, and needed Sarah R. to talk to. I busied myself with the Brown Suitcase and adding some fertilizer to the houseplants.

-chris

From :  chris lloyd
Sent :  April 1, 2004 9:09:26 AM
To :  pm@pm.gc.ca
CC :  chrislloyd5676@hotmail.com
Subject :  Newfoundland hit with massive public service strike after talks break off
| | | Inbox

Dear Paul,

I think I'll vote for you in the next election. APRIL FOOL! I'd play a joke on Mohanad today but everyday is sort of like April 1 for us. We've cut back on the coffee/red bull cocktails; they were giving Mohanad the shakes. You aren't supposed to drink more than 2 red bulls per day; explicit instructions on the label. Yikes. Mo spent the whole day in the bathroom again; finally removing the P-trap entirely from the shower. It wasn't draining fast enough. I was master of plaster, with little disaster. My skinniness came through big time at the end of the day when we were funneling the bathroom vent through the top of the original ceiling; I was able to wedge myself through the small hole and grab the vent.

Was going to meet Colin at the MACM after work, but he called me while I was at the metro—surprisingly, I could use my phone from the platform—and his bus had broken down. We put it off to next week, and I hopped a train back to SSM. One problem: wrong train. Plus I was reading The Ingenuity Gap and wasn't paying attention, so didn't notice until Frontenac.

Made some supper and had a quiet evening at SSM. Scanned some slides and organized some files until Sarah Fork came home and started complaining about her sex life. That led her to a  long elucidation on genetic evolution and how in a thousand years women will be in charge of the world and men won't have dicks and women won't give birth and everyone will sort of be the same androgenous creature, living in peace and happiness. Sounds intriguing and mildly frightening at the same time. Maybe with no dicks in power—I'm thinking dicks like Cheney, Bush, etc.—then maybe there will be less dick-like weapons of mass and minor destruction proliferating the planet. I have my doubts we'll still have a habitable planet in a thousand years, but tell you what: if I'm wrong, I'll buy you a Coke.

-chris